Hypo-insomnia.

Dear reader(s):

Normally I try to use this blog to inform rather than to complain, but right now I feel like complaining a bit, and this is, after all, my blog to do with as I feel. So if you're not interested in the non-factual, feel free to skip this one. My feelings won't be hurt. Actually, I probably won't ever know.

I've listed before what the "official" side effects of hypothyroidism are and what some of mine are specifically. However, being hypo affects everyone differently, and as one descends further and further into hypo-hell issues arise and/or intensify. I have now been hypo longer than I've ever been (I think), and while I've held myself together pretty well thus far I think I'm starting to crack a bit.

The reason I'm still awake, reader(s), is because I'm afraid to fall asleep. I am literally tired pretty much all the time now, and I know I need to rest. But at this point, sleeping has become less like normal sleeping than like falling into a semi-coma. It scares me. I sleep for approximately ten to twelve hours and it's hard for me to wake back up. Once I do wake up, it's hard for me to actually physically get out of bed. Once I'm out of bed, it takes such a long time for me to feel like an actual normal person with semi-reliable brain function that I really don't get very many hours during the day where I can function on a level that resembles anything close to my normal, non-hypo self.

While I can admit that I am often a somewhat lazy person when left to my own devices, I do not like living this way. I'm used to being a) intelligent and b) independent, and right now I feel like a zombie who can barely muster up the energy to actually get anything done on my own. I can barely even read. Anyone who knows me at all knows that I LOVE to read. When I'm hypo, though, my vision is blurry and the words often pulse in and out when I try to focus on them. That includes the words on my computer screen, and it includes the times I write in this blog. There! It just freaking happened! I hate that!

I want my brain back and my life back and my job(s) back and myself back. And I fucking want junk food back! I don't know how much longer I can take this anymore. Even though don't want the PET scan to find weird cancer in weird places in my body because that would be horrible and scary, I also know that the alternative is to keep living like this for another week or two and just thinking about that makes me want to scream.

I am aware of how irrationally short-sighted and crazy that actually sounds. But...well, like I said, me - meds = lack of brain function. So it is what it is.

Anyway. That's the big rant. I apologize if anyone actually read it. I suppose it's coma-time for me now. PET results, as promised, sometime tomorrow (today?).

Psychotically yours,
RG

Phew.

Dear reader(s):

Good news! Biopsy came back clean. Now the blog gets boring again.

Still basically just...hanging around, waiting. While I am, of course, glad that everything turned out okay, I admit that I'm a bit annoyed that this all happened for no reason. But...oh well.

My doctor's assistant (who has become my BFF of all things thyroid-related) said they'd call me on Monday to tell me when the imaging place can reschedule my RAI. Because god forbid anyone would throw a cancer patient a freakin' bone and actually do some work on a weekend. *LE SIGH* Until then, I'll still be here in limbo, dreaming dreams of milk and cheese and chocolate as I get hypo-er and hypo-er.

This would probably be a good time to explain what exactly I mean when I say that I'm "hypo", especially since I've been getting asked a lot lately. "Hypo" is just the fun thyca patient slang term for "hypothyroid". And of course, "thyca" is our fun slang term for "thyroid cancer". Cancer patients like abbreviations. Try to keep up. Anyway, hypothyroid is what they call it when your thyroid (or in my case, large empty wasteland where my thyroid used to be) isn't producing enough thyroid hormone and is causing all sorts of fun side effects for you, the thyroid-challenged.

Web-MD lists some of these side effects as follows:

• Feeling tired, weak, or depressed.
• Dry skin and brittle nails.
• Not being able to stand the cold.
• Constipation.
• Memory problems or having trouble thinking clearly.
• Heavy or irregular menstrual periods.

Some of these I won't go into because I know some of my friends and family members are now reading this. But the main ones I tend to have are tiredness, depression, sensitivity to cold, and what we thyca-ers affectionately call "hypo-brain". I also can get a bit moody (as anyone who has to deal with me in person could probably tell you), or just moodier than normal. For example, this whole incident with the delaying of treatment has probably upset me a bit more than it normally would have. Not that I wouldn't have been upset anyway.

My mom asked me the other day what it actually felt like to be hypo. I told her it's kind of like that feeling you have when you have a really bad cold, where your whole body feels wrecked and exhausted all the time and you sort of generally feel like you've been hit by a truck. That, mixed with the mood swings, depression, being cold all the time, and having a sort of mental hazy-ness should give you a general idea of how I feel.

No, it's probably not nearly as bad as the side effects of chemo. But it's also not a cake walk, either. For a point of reference, I will explain TSH levels. Thyroid Stimulating Hormone (TSH) is produced by the pituitary gland and it, in turn, causes the thyroid to release T3 and T4, which, in my understanding, are the hormones that do all the work, such as regulating metabolism and all that fun stuff. So TSH levels are used to measure how overactive or underactive a person's thyroid is. If your TSH is low, you're hyPERthryoid and are overproducing hormone, if it's high you're hyPOthyroid, like me, and are underproducing. Yes, this does seem backward, and no, despite having asked my endocrinologist multiple times I still don't really understand why. Just...low TSH means hyper, high TSH means hypo. Anyway, my point is that the "normal" TSH range for adults is about 0.4-4.5. Mine, as of Tuesday's blood test, was 141. That, dear reader(s), is very, very, hypo.

I also found out from the doctor who met with me before my very first RAI that were I to stop taking my thyroid meds for a very very long time, say 3-4 months, I would eventually die. This is why I am constantly annoyed at the fact that my insurance company only covers a dollar - ONE dollar - of my thirty dollar hormone replacement meds every month, as I need to take them for the rest of my life and quite literally need them to live. I don't know exactly which medications these companies have decided are necessary enough for them to pay for, but apparently my life-giving synthroid does not qualify.  *LE SIGH*

So, hopefully that explains the hypo-ness. I can, of course, answer any other questions about it in the comments (which, btw, are easier for me to receive here on the actual blog than on Facebook), or both thyca.org and webMD are pretty good ways to find info.

Also thanks for everyone's concern and for trudging through my long-winded writings.

Hypothyroidcally yours,
RG