No, I'll take the full three wishes, thankyouverymuch.

Dear reader(s),

Still not a lot going on the cancer department. I have a Mayo appointment in June to see how the alcohol ablation went, and after my last blood test my endo said that my TG levels are looking good, which is a really good sign. But other than that, still just waiting. Went to Europe in February. Doin' other stuff and whatnot. You know, the usual.

In lieu of news I'm just going to rant about more cancer-patient issue type things, so if you're not into that feel free to tune out now. I'll understand.

No, seriously, it's fine. Go watch TV. The blog will be here when you come back.

SO. My rant:

Every now and then I see someone post a Facebook status that says something along the lines of "most people wish for things like cars and money and jobs, but a cancer patient has only one wish: to not beat cancer. 97% of people won't repost this." There's also a commercial on TV recently in which a woman basically says the same thing about a little girl who has cancer - the commercial is for a cancer foundation or something, I think. Not really sure.

I understand that the people who post these things mean well, and that they're genuinely concerned and looking out for cancer patients, probably for specific people they know. I'm totally in favor of cancer foundations raising money for cancer research and getting the word out on TV. That's awesome. It's just that this specific message is a little...well...misrepresenting.

I've personally received a lot of support and well-wishes from the cancer community at large and some specific ones, and I think most of what they do is super helpful and necessary for people like me. But the "community" isn't without its flaws, and sometimes I'm not sure how I feel about it overall. Sometimes some inaccurate and unhelpful generalities about cancer patients get circulated and create pressure on sick people to feel or act a certain way that isn't necessarily emotionally beneficial for everyone.

For example: I've come across a lot of cancer-related organizations that promote positive thinking to the point of demanding it - every cancer patient MUST look on the bright side, MUST see the silver lining, etc. I personally don't like people telling me how I HAVE to feel about my disease. It's my disease and my feelings, and I think I have the right to think whatever I want about it. Everyone has a different way of coping with challenges mentally and not everyone can be positive all the time. I'm not the only patient who feels this way, either; a well-known author named Barbara Ehrenreich wrote a book called Bright-Sided about the so-called "culture of positive thinking" in modern society based on her experiences as a cancer patient.

These "one wish" statuses are similarly problematic. Yes, I'm sure the top wish for everyone who has cancer is to not have cancer. But as medical research improves, more and more of us are, if I may quote from Rent here, "living with, not dying from disease". Living people have multi-faceted thoughts and feelings and, of course, wishes. I'd love to not have cancer. It's definitely on the top of my wish list. I'd love to see thyroid cancer cured. But I have other desires as well. I'd like to earn my master's degree. I'd like to get a full-time, salaried job. I'd like to win the friggin' lottery and buy a condo in a high-rise on the lake. And frankly (and unfortunately), those wishes might actually be more likely to come true.

I am not my disease, and it's not the only thing that defines my life. It's hard enough trying to live a normal life with cancer without being typified as a "patient" - whatever that means. Something like one in seven people will get cancer in their lifetime, that many people can't possibly be thinking and feeling the same things at the same time. Statistically, it's just not realistic. This is also why I get upset when strangers ask me about my scar. It makes me feel like I'm just a deformity to them, a person who can't ever just be a normal member of society because I have a weird mark on my neck that people who don't even know me are so disturbed and confused by that they have to break conventions of social politeness and, essentially, ruin my friggin' day.

I don't know. Maybe I'm too mean or overly sensitive or something. I just feel like that little girl in the commercial probably wanted a puppy or a dollhouse or a prom date or something at some point in her life. Cuz I'm pretty sure if a person thought about nothing but how sick they were all the time they'd lose their minds. I know I would. That's all I'm saying.

Plus if I won the lottery I could just use the money to cure cancer, and then all my problems would be solved!

Developing a gambling addiction,
RG

Waiting Game

Dear reader(s),

Apologies for not posting after my second alcohol ablation as promised. My life is crazy. And also it wasn't that eventful, nor did it hurt very much more. But I did get juice afterwards. That was pretty sweet.

The questions I got when I got home were along the lines of, "So is it gone now?" "Do you still have cancer?" and "Are you in remission, or what?" Unfortunately I don't really have any answers. I'll go back to Mayo in 3-6 months for a followup, and even then I doubt they'll declare me in remission, especially if my TG levels are still...well, existent.

Probably the worst part about my situation is that I have to do a lot of waiting. And explaining. People tend to understand thyroid cancer better in terms of things they're used to associating with more common cancers...chemotherapy, remission, etc. But those things don't really apply to me, which in some cases is good (yay for no chemo!) and in others is bad (i.e. I don't know if I'll ever get a formal declaration from a doctor that I am in "remission"). Since my cancer is weird and slow-growing I just get to sit here and wait and see what it does. Fun, right?

Really all I can do is try not to think about it and keep living my life. This is considerably harder to do with a weird visible scar that strangers always feel the need to stare at and ask about (see my months-old post regarding scar etiquette), but I soldier on nonetheless.

In keeping with that spirit, I've been mostly focusing on my upcoming trip to Europe. I will probably start up a new blog about that soon; stay posted for links (and maybe some German lessons?) in the next week or so.

Wishing there were better magazines in this waiting room,
RG

P.S... I just realized that the words on the paper in the background of this blog are in German. WEIRD.